The Feel Of Free

i don’t make my schedule flexible. i don’t do meetings before 10am. i don’t explain why. i’m not available to work on weekends. sometimes i won’t get shit done on time. i don’t go out to drinks with my classmates. i don’t get personal with them. i’m not that friendly. i don’t like small talk. i do the work and i leave. i don’t explain why. 

the reason is to protect myself. 

depression is not something that comes out only when i have a breakdown. it’s something that sits on my back 24/7. all the time. that affects my work in ways able-minded people don’t understand and are usually intolerant of. 

i surf the net in class not because i don’t give a fuck about the material, but because i literally cannot focus on things for consecutive minutes. i need to be doing several things in order to absorb what’s happening in one. i need to focus, then break it, then focus, then break it, over and over because my brain can’t sustain a long period of paying attention. i used to think this was adhd before a therapist informed me it was common among people with depression. when i’m studying or doing readings, it’s shitty because i can barely read a page continually without needing to break off and come back. i end up going paragraph by paragraph sometimes. 

i don’t do weekends and early mornings because they’re scheduled for me. because when i didn’t schedule myself in, i would repeatedly overwork myself, overload my schedule, then have a huge breakdown and crash into panic attacks and suicidality. after my first suicide scare, i had to reduce my courseload to be able to function, i had to schedule 10-11 hours for sleep every night, to balance work and class and capoeira training and time with friends. i had to be uncompromising about it, even when classmates were rude and got pissy because i wouldn’t change my schedule to suit theirs. your schedule probably won’t escalate to a life or death situation. mine easily can.

sometimes i can’t do work because the depression paralyzes me, or because the anxiety freezes me in a loop of “FUCK i’m not getting any work done” “FUCK i’m not going to get any work done” #panic #panic “FUCK i’m panicking and therefore i’m not going to get any work done” and then i don’t meet deadlines and people think i’m lazy.

thing is, i am not obliged to explain ANY of this to my colleagues and classmates. especially when their response is most likely going to be ableist and minimizing to my experience. i am not obliged to flay my life open just to justify the accommodations i need, just so other people can sign off on my decisions. fuck peer approval. if you don’t affect my grades, i am fresh outta fucks. 

so i notify my professors, i notify when i can’t get shit done on time, i negotiate extensions and my registration with the disabilities center protects me in ways i know my classmates won’t, in ways i wouldn’t be able to. they advocate for me. and now if i’m having a rough week, i let myself have the rough week, and i get back to work when i can. 

i don’t identify as disabled, but i officially have a psychological disability and i’ll stay a bitch because society is fucking ableist and i do whatever the fuck is necessary to keep me alive and functioning. 

i regret nothing. 

euclase:

things we are trying to do all the time:

1. be safe

things we can’t help but do all the time:

1. second-guess ourselves
2. behave impulsively and reactively
3. take everything personally
4. worry
5. worry
6. worry
7. have difficulty accepting compliments
8. have difficulty reciprocating friendly gestures
9. have difficulty finding the courage to respond
10. have difficulty not being suspicious of others’ intentions
11. make a huge deal out of the smallest thing

things you should keep in mind:

1. we’re scared of everything
2. pretty much all of the time
3. it’s an actual disorder
4. it manifests as impulsive behavior
5. you can’t fix us with words
6. telling us “worrying is silly” won’t make us stop worrying
7. it’ll only make us feel silly
8. and then we’ll worry even more
9. “oh god, am i worrying too much? what if she calls me silly again?”
10. like that
11. also, we wear a lot of armor
12. cold, heavy, affection-proof armor with spikes
13. we constructed this armor as children
14. we’re fairly certain you will never be able to pry it apart
15. but there is a nice person under there, we promise

things you can do for a friend with an anxiety disorder:

1. stick around
2. ask her if she’s comfortable in a place or situation
3. be willing to change the place or situation if not
4. activities that help her take her mind off of things are good!
5. talk to her even when she might not talk back
6. (she’s probably too afraid to say the wrong thing)
7. try not to take her reactions (or lack thereof) personally
8. (the way she expresses herself is distorted and bent because of her constant fear)
9. (and she knows this)
10. give her time to respond to you
11. she will obsess over how she is being interpreted
12. she will anticipate being judged
13. it took me four hours just to type this much
14. even though i sound casual
15. that’s because i have an anxiety disorder

things you shouldn’t do:

1. tell us not to worry
2. tell us we’ll be fine
3. mistake praise for comfort
4. ask us if we are “getting help”
5. force us to be social
6. force us to do things that trigger us
7. “face your fears” doesn’t always work
8. because—remember—scared of everything
9. in fact, it would be more accurate to say we are scared of the fear itself

emergency action procedure for panic attacks:

1. be calm
2. be patient
3. don’t be condescending
4. remind us that we’re not crazy
5. sit with us
6. ask us to tighten and relax our muscles one by one
7. remind us that we are breathing
8. engage us in a discussion (if we can talk, then we can breathe)
9. if we are having trouble breathing, try getting us to exhale slowly
10. or breathe through our nose
11. or have us put our hands on our stomach to feel each breath
12. ask us what needs to change in our environment in order for us to feel safe
13. help us change it
14. usually, just knowing that we have someone on our side willing to fight our scary monsters with us is enough to calm us down

if you have an anxiety disorder:

1. it’s okay.
2. even if you worry that it’s not okay.
3. it’s still okay. it’s okay to be scared. it’s okay to be scared of being scared.
4. you are not crazy. you are not a freak.
5. i know there’s a person under all that armor.
6. and i know you feel isolated because of it.
7. i won’t make you take it off.
8. but know that you are not alone.

♥