The Feel Of Free

You are my submissive, right? Yes. That means you will always do what I say. You have agreed never to say no to me. OK, she said. Submission that draws a line and says no further isn’t really submission at all, I said. What I want is your total capitulation. But there are some things I just can’t do, she wailed. No, I said; there are some things you think you can’t do. Or things you don’t want to do. But if I want them you will do them. That’s what submission is all about. It’s about giving in, not about negotiating.
…
I will hurt you (and I’m going to hurt you more in a minute), I will never harm you. I won’t make you do anything that will damage you, physically or mentally. But that’s all the guarantee you will ever get. If you can’t trust me, don’t submit.

—

Sexual Dynamics: Memoirs of a Discerning Dom

In a nutshell, this is a wonderful explanation of why I don’t have hard limits and I don’t have a safe word with Mr. Hatton. I trust him. I submit to him with faith that he will not injure me or push me beyond where I am capable of going. I trust him completely to make choices that are in both of our best interests, even if they sometimes make me uncomfortable, embarrassed or make me squirm. 

I agree wholeheartedly with what Discerning Dom said, submission that draws a line and says no further isn’t really submission at all.

(via hisdarlinggirl)

yeah….no. lol. this is why i categorize what i’m into as baby bdsm. what’s described above is on another level where you obviously have to trust your dom utterly and they have to know you inside and out. i don’t trust no one like that. telling me i can’t have boundaries? sheeeet, i think not. miss me with that.

levels dey. 

# sex positive relationships

Reblogged 4 weeks ago from spawnofhumanbeings (Originally from hisdarlinggirl) 72 notes

You shouldn’t have a guard. You should have a filter. There’s a huge difference, and I promise, it’s a much better way to live.

A guard is a fear-based defense mechanism that you put up and take down over and over again to protect yourself from your own vulnerability in intimate relationships. It’s an exhausting exercise that can weigh down your soul.

A filter isn’t fear-based. You don’t have to put it up or take it down. It’s a permanent part of you that requires a certain amount of inner strength and a well-defined set of personal standards, but it allows you to embrace your vulnerability.

The real trick is accepting the fact that a certain amount of emotional pain is inevitable. Sometimes relationships are gonna hurt, and there’s no getting around it. People who keep their guards up are living in fear of that emotional pain. When they let their guards down, they’re just living in denial of its inevitability.

People with filters accept the inevitability of emotional pain, but they have the self-discipline to mitigate chaos and negativity by either processing it, or cutting it off at the source.

— Dear Coquette: On filters, rules, and minor delusions.  (via filigrees)

(Source: thedaily.com)

# relationships

Reblogged 1 month ago from tjjourian (Originally from thedailyfeed) 515 notes

My desi father's encouragement after I broke up with my boyfriend:

  • (it was the first, proper break-up to have occurred in my life, I was probably 18 or so, it was a cold, bitter winter and I was lying in bed, crying my eyes out and hugging my pillow for the past week and a half without eating a morsel of food)
  • Dad:May I enter your room, Holy Princess?
  • Dad:Ha ha, stop crying. Foolish girl.
  • Dad:Astaghfirullah. What is that smell? Did you burn something?
  • Dad:It is the smoke rising from your head to see me this positive, yes?
  • Dad:Okay. Okay. No more to joke.
  • Dad:I am a Muslim, Pakistani father. I never liked the idea of you being with him but I said, "Let it be, yaar. She is young. She is free. I still love her. She is my baby princess." Wipe your snot. So I was okay with him being with you. But it hurts me a lot more to see you like this.
  • Dad:You are not chubby anymore. What kind of diet is this, hmm? Ha ha, I made funny joke.
  • Dad:(pushes my hair behind my ear) Allah created hearts to break and heal every now and then. That is why we are humans. If we did not hurt, we wouldn't be who we are today. But having a broken heart means you have two options: To heal it and become invincible. Or to mope away and become a pathetic shadow of the person you once were. What would my little girl do?
  • Dad:She would eat lotta chips. Ha ha ha.
  • Dad:Okay, sorry. She would fight back and win her strength to become who she was and will be forever. You are going to meet someone amazing. Boys are idiots. I thank Allah for not giving me sons. They are foolish donkeys. Daughters are warriors. You are my warrior. When you were born, I had tears. I was so scared. I did not want anyone to hurt my baby. Today he hurt you. Allah will take revenge. But you take your time to heal and know that I am always here for you even if my English is not too good.
  • Dad:That boy was a bastard, foolish dog from hell. Bastard.
  • Dad:I love you.
  • (how on Earth is this still being reblogged?)

# relationships

Reblogged 1 month ago from alwaystheoviereya (Originally from mehreenkasana) 1,749 notes
I cannot believe, in retrospect, that I was ever conned into believing that talking about feelings with a dude you were hooking up with was this embarrassing uncool thing that only clingy girls did. Today, if somebody I was boning, however casually, got judge-y or weird on me because I tried to have a conversation about my feelings, I would laugh out loud, walk out and then make fun of him to all my friends. Seriously? Feelings are not spiders or the Ebola virus. If a guy gets “scared” when you try to discuss yours with him, you should dump him and find a new hookup buddy who isn’t terrified about something that your average kindergartner can handle hearing about on Sesame Street.

—

Semi-Secret Affairs, Smanging, and the 88 Percent | The Hairpin

And this is why I always read the comments. Holy shit, AMEN.

(via sarahchristine)

# relationships

Reblogged 1 month ago from sexgenderbody (Originally from sarahchristine) 1,008 notes

wait

so that whole video is a love song that’s like

yo, i caught him with another woman but our love is so strong that i’ll ignore it?!

are. you. kidding. me.

mehn, the culture of infidelity in naija is something else. 

# relationships

Posted 2 months ago 1 note

i was gonna make a post

about how in our culture cheating is so OMG TURRIBLE except when it’s a dude who’s getting teh sexytimes. in THAT case, meh. cos he’s getting sex by cheating, or he’s down with a girl cheating as long as it’s not on him and he’s getting sex from her, you feel me? until i realize the answer was double standards and a fucked society.

my wifey was talking to her cousin, who was saying men are naturally promiscuous blah blah blah and he’s only casually dating. she says she might just do that too and he asks her why? why not just wait for the right guy?

GDSLKJNDJ

hold on, couldn’t type, red haze in front of my eyes.

so she asks him whether he thinks girls don’t want nsa sex and he asks- do they?

#facepalm


# sex relationships

Posted 2 months ago 1 note
lanomrah: thefeeloffree: lanomrah: but dating confuses me as a person raised in a non american culture. cause dating is some straight up american shit. #WELP  i did not know what dating was until 2 years ago and i am still extremely unsure and vaguely confused. my ex was like- how many other people have you dated? and i went- we’re dating?! (yeahhhh) I was really confused when i first moved here 9 years ago and I am just as confused now. I think it’s a really well marketed relationship game… like really a ploy to keep every one confused without having to have a discussion. Cause once you are dating it’s kinda like you and them are something but also not really. From a hetero normative standpoint the shit is mind boggling. you could be dating multiple people and not in a relationship. If you date multiple persons and you are in a relationship that’s actually cheating. Or you could be in a relationship and still dating that one person. Or you could be actively dating one person but it’s not official. Or you could be doing the same with multiple people and just keeping it light or not. WHere i”m from there is no dating. There is “talking” this is the phase where you get to know the person. You court them, you walk them home, go out and do things together - nothig is official, but there was and yet there wasn’t an expectation of exclusivity. The expectation comes relative to the amount of time you “talk” to the person. The longer y’all are talking, the assumption is that all the other candidates are falling off. After the talking you either become official or you don’t. Things elevate or they don’t. This is where things are certain but the language is so misogynistic and maladaptive. because once you are official the terminology is possessive i.e. you got (bajan present tense meaning to have) or you have the person. One would not say he or she is mine, or refer to another’s spouse as e.g. “S/he is his/hers”. What you will hear is “He/she got he/she” or “he/she has him/her” I mean there is gray area but the area is soo small there is less room for confusion. But then this leads me to why cheating is so rampant in my culture. The language, the thinking, everything is structured to endorse a binary. Either it is or it isn’t. But then infidelity is so common place and normal invoking little to no side eye and accepted, yet still deemed unacceptable despite the fact that it has basically become accepted? #thismakessense SO while dating is confusing, it could be a positive thing in terms of facilitating a coloring/expansion of the relationship spectrum. ANd now that I think about it while things back home have become significantly americanized and dating is more practiced now and what not, the attitude and behavior as it comes to infidelity remains the same because no one is actually pushing the agenda of openness in relationships and honesty. Oh the boxes… all the cultural boxes… i want to set them ablaze. View Larger

lanomrah:

thefeeloffree:

lanomrah: but dating confuses me as a person raised in a non american culture. cause dating is some straight up american shit.

#WELP 

i did not know what dating was until 2 years ago and i am still extremely unsure and vaguely confused. my ex was like- how many other people have you dated?

and i went- we’re dating?!

(yeahhhh)

I was really confused when i first moved here 9 years ago and I am just as confused now. I think it’s a really well marketed relationship game… like really a ploy to keep every one confused without having to have a discussion. Cause once you are dating it’s kinda like you and them are something but also not really. From a hetero normative standpoint the shit is mind boggling. you could be dating multiple people and not in a relationship. If you date multiple persons and you are in a relationship that’s actually cheating. Or you could be in a relationship and still dating that one person. Or you could be actively dating one person but it’s not official. Or you could be doing the same with multiple people and just keeping it light or not.

WHere i”m from there is no dating. There is “talking” this is the phase where you get to know the person. You court them, you walk them home, go out and do things together - nothig is official, but there was and yet there wasn’t an expectation of exclusivity. The expectation comes relative to the amount of time you “talk” to the person. The longer y’all are talking, the assumption is that all the other candidates are falling off.

After the talking you either become official or you don’t. Things elevate or they don’t. This is where things are certain but the language is so misogynistic and maladaptive. because once you are official the terminology is possessive i.e. you got (bajan present tense meaning to have) or you have the person. One would not say he or she is mine, or refer to another’s spouse as e.g. “S/he is his/hers”. What you will hear is “He/she got he/she” or “he/she has him/her”

I mean there is gray area but the area is soo small there is less room for confusion.

But then this leads me to why cheating is so rampant in my culture. The language, the thinking, everything is structured to endorse a binary. Either it is or it isn’t. But then infidelity is so common place and normal invoking little to no side eye and accepted, yet still deemed unacceptable despite the fact that it has basically become accepted? #thismakessense

SO while dating is confusing, it could be a positive thing in terms of facilitating a coloring/expansion of the relationship spectrum.

ANd now that I think about it while things back home have become significantly americanized and dating is more practiced now and what not, the attitude and behavior as it comes to infidelity remains the same because no one is actually pushing the agenda of openness in relationships and honesty.

Oh the boxes… all the cultural boxes… i want to set them ablaze.

# relationships dating monogamy cheating

Reblogged 2 months ago from lanomrah (Originally from thefeeloffree) 10 notes

yes to alla that. the lying and loss of choice, ugh, reasons why i dread ever being with someone who is dishonest to me.

before people think i’m tryna say it’s okay to lie to your partner, it’s not! i’m just in the “the third party is irrelevant” camp. unless they your people. 

i guess the opposing camp is the “the third party is accountable to _______”

greydotmatters:

little-life-giver replied to your post: thinking out loud.

“involuntary choice” major, major factor in my stance on it.

*nods*

my issue with “cheating” has always been the lying.
lying strips me of my choice(s) in the matter. i may want to remove myself from the 
relationship, or possibly want to reconstruct how we define our relationship, but all of those issues are internal issues. whoever my partner is “cheating” on me with is irrelevant, unless that person also has a relationship with me. then we are dealing with multiple layered violations of trust.

still:

the violation of trust has always been an internal issue for me. 

# relationships

Reblogged 2 months ago from greydotmatters 3 notes
lanomrah: but dating confuses me as a person raised in a non american culture. cause dating is some straight up american shit. #WELP  i did not know what dating was until 2 years ago and i am still extremely unsure and vaguely confused. my ex was like- how many other people have you dated? and i went- we’re dating?! (yeahhhh) View Larger

lanomrah: but dating confuses me as a person raised in a non american culture. cause dating is some straight up american shit.

#WELP 

i did not know what dating was until 2 years ago and i am still extremely unsure and vaguely confused. my ex was like- how many other people have you dated?

and i went- we’re dating?!

(yeahhhh)

# relationships dating

Posted 2 months ago 10 notes
folks, one of my #lovebears. #beholdwhysheisalovebear ancestryinprogress: thefeeloffree: it was only a matter of time, really. really, it was. and you can’t expect much from people who only operate within one definition of what a relationship is/can be. society has ingrained in our wee little minds that heteronormative, heterosexual, monogamous i.e. traditional, relationships are to be prioritized. and if i am nonmonogamous, i am not on the side, nor am I a ho. but that was cute. (could continue response, but i have no energy) View Larger

folks, one of my #lovebears. #beholdwhysheisalovebear

ancestryinprogress:

thefeeloffree:

it was only a matter of time, really.

really, it was. and you can’t expect much from people who only operate within one definition of what a relationship is/can be.

society has ingrained in our wee little minds that heteronormative, heterosexual, monogamous i.e. traditional, relationships are to be prioritized.

and if i am nonmonogamous, i am not on the side, nor am I a ho. but that was cute.

(could continue response, but i have no energy)

# nonmonogamy relationships

Reblogged 2 months ago from ancestryinprogress (Originally from thefeeloffree) 7 notes

whilst on the topic

i’m always fascinated by the in-betweening where it’s not a relationship but it’s not nothing. ‘seeing each other’ vs ‘dating’ vs ‘dating exclusively’ #confoozedness

i used to be really problematic in that i didn’t like to let people leave arrangements until i was ready for them to. i would woo them back until i was ready to leave. ish like that is why i’m taking time to be single #unhealthyhabits

ancestryinprogress:

thefeeloffree:

i’m emotionally monogamous

this is why i identify as non-monogamous instead of polyamorous. i can’t do secondary partners, etc. i honestly consider myself to be in a nonmonogamous platonic relationship with my best friend #wifeyshoutout. i don’t have friends i regularly sleep with, but if my friendships progressed to that point, would those friends count as secondary partners?

all i know is, i want a main squeeze who isn’t in love with anyone other than me and wants to spend the rest of their life travelling and dancing and not having kids and replicating the #creepyoldman dance moves my sister and i have invented. 

thoughts?

i’m trying to figure this out for myself. like, i was starting to really like this girl but I was actually still open to dating other people. we weren’t in a relationship but we were seeing each other, so i didn’t find it necessary to inform her that i was sleeping with other people. also, it kept me from sprouting serious feelings for her before either of us were ready for that kind of situation. so i was looking to have a potential emotional connection to her at some point in the distant, yet foreseeable future, even though i was fucking other people without that intention (of growing feelings). so in that sense, it was a casual “relationship”, but without all the fixings. and now, it is no more because she couldn’t authentically be in the arrangement. sometimes, i wonder if she was scared. or if she just didn’t like me that much and didn’t want to let me down harshly. or if my up-in-the-air future made things weird.

whatever.

either way, it pushed me to think more about how i wish to present myself in future dating situations. i am not so sure about monogamy for me right now.

# relationships

Reblogged 2 months ago from ancestryinprogress (Originally from thefeeloffree) 22 notes